the nights are suffocating once more. the feeling (not the right word, but the best as of now) bas been creeping closer for some time. it's been gone for so long and night was clean and restful. here and now it is fogging up, crawling in. i pull my covers up so that none are close to the infinite dark beneath my bed, but images of skeletal rotting fingers grasping for the fabric flicker through my mind. i can't focus on my books - my heart pounds deliberately, and out of pattern. the cool air stings my eyes. in a week panther will leave for school again and i will be alone. i think she feels the presence, too. she runs and leaps into her bed and speaks of monsters and cartoon demons chasing her through her nightmares.
all senses are heightened. her crashing into bed is more like a truck bashing through a brick building. every week, every gust of wind and car door slamming outside prickles at the nape of my neck.
there are other things, too. other whispers and murmurs in the corners and crevices. unease eminating from the dark places, no longer hiding in the shadows. a low, nearly inaudible roar and a sound like a distant muffliato keep the silence up all night.
perhaps i need a better prescription for my glasses, but there's a strange thickness to the air. as though i were peering through a greased lens. every object is ominous. every unfilled space is an evil hideout. i grind my teeth in my sleep and clench my jaw while awake. my arms and legs are leaden and there's a sudden urge to cry out for help. it's hovering over my bed, waiting to drop cement blocks on my chest and to smother me as i lay paralyzed. last night i mysteriously awoke next to the bathroom door, clawing at the carpet.
old patterns die hard.
old monsters refuse to find fresh fears.
fire and bombs. my mind races.
what if there is no tomorrow?
time that once slid effortlessly by now pulls itself along gravel alleys. life feels stagnant once again. the dull, unpleasant odor of obstacles has slapped me in the face, and i fear my patience and hope are running thin. it's true that our planet orbits in circles - more or less, but is it possible that our lives are patterned in this incessant way, as well? the circle of life. it moves us all. but it's circle of setbacks and speed ups - like riding on a traffic jam merry go round. how the hell did i end up hopping on? more importantly - how do you get off?
then again, i'm in no immediate hurry. yet it feels as though time is running out. oh, j. alfred.... there will be time. time to save the world and retire to the mountains.... to paint. and rest.
there's an emptiness, a deep grey settled behind my ribs from my chin to my hips that i have begun to associate with loneliness. sometimes labeled abandonment. it makes things awkward. forces cynicism.
talk and play out and about.... become silent and stare. in my head i'm thinking: i hate you. stop looking. can you see through to the discomfort?
the discomfort that is caused by you and me and everyone we know. and don't know.
i want to leave. to drop my vodka on the dance floor and run through the snowy streets, bust down my door and hide under my blankets until my paranoia passes and i fall asleep.
no i don't want to stay over with everyone singing karaoke and "have fun."
i want to hide. i don't want to try.
submit to the emptiness that has been nipping at your heels for so long.
i want to play fishing with the mess of words i can visibly see in my head. they're right there! behind my brow! in bold neon on pitch black:
against
smelly
with
now now
yay
i want to bury my face in a cold pillow and focus on my permanent headache and blame my loneliness on people.
i want to think the only things that equate to love in my life are gone without any hope of return.
it's becoming impossible to stop thinking about all the things i've lost, broken, destroyed.
the relationships i've severed and jeopardized.
and then, in sheer desperation, i mourn my decisions and silently beg for another fresh start.
what is it that will fill these holes? that will stifle this sick feeling? shut up smitty.
