kellanreiterracing

but now you're gone. 8 thousand million plus miles across the freezing seas and endless scorching deserts, hanging upside down on the other side of the rock.

so do i take a chance, give someone else a chance - knowing they will never, could never get me? that through these decades i have found possibly 2 people who have figured it out - the maze of steel bolts lots of holes and fragile neon lights inside. and it feels so ridiculous to pin you as one, yet you fit so well.

and i'm not quite sure what the point of stretching out to try on iffy fits would be, not when i know what a good fit in a red comforter feels like. and yet there's a strong desire to resist counting on your return. to move along before it's too late. too late? what a statement. i have no hope or desire to head in any specific direction with any next person. i don't like the feeling of someone relying on me, someone's decisions riding on whether or not i make up my impossibly cluttered mind. i'm perfectly content waking up with no one to call, no check in's to make, reading all morning under the sun, going to work, obsessing over school, enjoying my solitary commute amongst the unfamiliar faces, napping random afternoons away cuddled in the center of the bed.

once i open the doors i flee further inside. reach out and freak out. and this didn't start until that winter, that winter with you making confident confessions over the phone in the middle of the night. i took the bait and have trailed on your line every moment since. no other line dropped over my hungry head appeals, no nibble gives me anything but regret. after all, i'm looking for a fit - not belonging.

but something inside tells me i'm only content with this because my heart is behaving badly believing you will be returning here and looking for me. it's been some time since you wrote "i miss you". and all of your literary references are tragic (well, with the exception of fermina daza and ariza - which is still majorly dramatic) and i often forget this clue when thinking on things.

perhaps just the fact that these questions arise with increasing frequency is enough to suggest that it's time i move on. perhaps just by remaining stationary in an isolated stasis i'm dropping more burning matches than if i pried the bars and climbed out. what explosion am i avoiding again? if you return, we all know my heart is yours in all its self destructive glory, the mistress of your imagination.